The news that shoots from distance

A push-up at centre court against the Netherlands: Dimitri redoes Carpréaux’s intro

Marjorie Carpréaux tells the Belgian daily La Dernière Heure about a national team game against the Netherlands: a shot from midcourt, then a Bob Cousy between the legs and a push-up. According to her, the coach called a time-out and the crowd applauded for more than a minute.

Dimitri holds a microphone at center court of a community hall, stopwatch at thirty seconds, as a female player does a push-up.

Marjorie Carpréaux told La Dernière Heure about the game against the Netherlands, with the national team. Half-court shot, in. Next action, steal, Bob Cousy between the legs, in. And then she stops in the middle of the court and does a push-up. The coach calls a time-out. The crowd applauds for more than a minute.

A minute. Can you believe it. For me, a time-out is thirty seconds of me. There, the crowd did the announcer’s job on its own, and for twice as long.

So I’m redoing the announcement. Saturday night, half past eight, the hall.

The caretaker turns off half the strip lights, as usual. The school fête’s two spotlights on the centre circle. “Mesdames et messieurs, dames en heren… on a push-up in the middle of the court… the number for Belgium…” The two-second gap. “Marjorie!” [jingle]. “Make some noise.”

And here’s my problem. My jingle lasts twenty-two seconds, I cut it myself. I’m thirty-eight seconds of music short to hold her ovation. I tried looping it at home, the sound system has an opinion, and it gave up on the second go-round.

She also says she tried to keep the room laughing when the team was struggling, to bring back some energy. That’s a job. It’s mine too, minus the twenty-one years and the two EuroBasket bronzes.

A minute of applause during a time-out. The table is waiting.

Martine · the scorer's table, fictional character

For our neighbours from the Netherlands, that night, I’d have said “our guests”, and I’d have thanked them. The noise is the same. There are just fewer people to hear it. I need a longer jingle.

It’s true, we checked: Basket Europe.

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Our columnists’ reactions are fictional; the facts and real quotes are sourced above.

The other angles in French

The editor-in-chief chose this one: « Dimitri fait buter son rituel calibré pour un instant, le jingle, sur une durée réelle, et la sono qui saute termine le gag sans viser personne. Les autres angles trébuchent sur un ajout factuel, une conversion dispersée ou une généralisation. »

MartineThe Scorer's Table

Carpréaux fait une pompe au milieu du terrain, le temps mort part à la table

Interrogée par La Dernière Heure, l'ex-internationale belge Marjorie Carpréaux raconte un match contre les Pays-Bas : un tir du milieu du terrain, une interception, un Bob Cousy entre les jambes, un panier, puis une pompe. Le coach a pris un temps mort et le public a applaudi plus d'une minute, selon elle.

  • Funniness 3/5
  • Faithfulness 3/5
  • Voice 4/5
  • Retweet 4/5
  • Good nature 3/5

The editor-in-chief’s comment La minute d'applaudissements qui ne rentre dans aucune colonne marche bien, mais le raisonnement sur le temps mort s'embrouille, « public debout » n'est pas dans le noyau et le « j'aurais tué » de Dimitri détonne.

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ChantalThe Club President

Plus d’une minute d’applaudissements pour Carpréaux : Chantal compte en jetons

Dans La Dernière Heure, Marjorie Carpréaux, vingt et un ans de carrière, se désigne comme la joueuse la plus drôle qu'elle ait côtoyée. Elle raconte un match contre les Pays-Bas où le public a applaudi plus d'une minute après une pompe en plein terrain.

  • Funniness 2/5
  • Faithfulness 4/5
  • Voice 2/5
  • Retweet 4/5
  • Good nature 4/5

The editor-in-chief’s comment Trois images (chauffage, file figée, tombola) au lieu d'une seule conversion, et une fin sur les salles fermées et la clé à rendre qui retombe à plat.

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