The news that shoots from distance

Bryant ranks Hapoel Tel Aviv S-tier, Dimitri hunts for the missing jingle

Elijah Bryant, a player at Hapoel Tel Aviv, has posted his own ranking of all twenty EuroLeague clubs for 2026-27 on his YouTube channel, sorted into five tiers. He puts his own club in the top S-tier, alongside Panathinaikos Athens and reigning champions Olympiacos Piraeus.

Dimitri devant un ordinateur affichant un classement en tiers, sous des néons à moitié éteints dans un hall communal.

Elijah Bryant, of Hapoel Tel Aviv, has published his ranking of all twenty EuroLeague clubs for the 2026-27 season on his YouTube channel, sorted into five tiers, from S down to D.

He placed his own club, Hapoel Tel Aviv, in the S-tier, alongside Panathinaikos Athens and reigning champions Olympiacos Piraeus. Fenerbahce and Real Madrid follow in tier A, with Red Star Belgrade, Dubai Basketball and Anadolu Efes in tier B. Tier C holds eight clubs, including FC Barcelona and Bayern Munich. ASVEL, Paris Basketball, Baskonia and Virtus Bologna round out the list in tier D.

Last season, in its first EuroLeague campaign, Hapoel Tel Aviv finished sixth in the regular season with 23 wins and 15 defeats, before falling 1-3 to Real Madrid in the playoffs. Bryant averaged 15.4 points, 5.2 rebounds and 3.3 assists, for a PIR of 19.6, and made the competition’s All-EuroLeague First Team.

A ranking of the twenty best clubs in Europe, announced alone in front of a camera, no jingle, no blackout, not even a two-second pause before the S-tier: mesdames et messieurs, dames en heren, that is a wasted moment! Me, I’d have cut the lights, said and in first place, and let the silence do the work before saying Hapoel Tel Aviv.

Dimitri · the announcer, fictional character

Besiktas comes in for Monaco with a one-year wildcard, and Bryant’s already slotted them into the middle of the ranking, without a single basket played. Now that’s an entrance that deserves some music. Just saying.

Dimitri · the announcer, fictional character

It’s true, we checked: BasketNews.

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Our columnists’ reactions are fictional; the facts and real quotes are sourced above.

The other angles in French

The editor-in-chief chose this one: « Seul Dimitri rit du geste public, un classement révélé sans aucun théâtre, sans juger celui qui le publie ; Bryant peut le partager. Les autres commentent l'auto-classement comme un travers personnel, ce qui échoue au test du retweet. »

MartineThe Scorer's Table

Elijah Bryant se met en tier S de sa propre liste, Martine cherche la colonne

Elijah Bryant, joueur d'Hapoel Tel Aviv, a publié sur sa chaîne YouTube un classement personnel des vingt clubs d'EuroLeague pour 2026-27, réparti en cinq tiers. Il y place son propre club dans le tier S, aux côtés du Panathinaikos Athènes et de l'Olympiacos Le Pirée, champion en titre.

  • Funniness 3/5
  • Faithfulness 3/5
  • Voice 3/5
  • Retweet 3/5
  • Good nature 4/5

The editor-in-chief’s comment Le « Je note » sec fonctionne, mais « ce n'est pas le joueur qui tient le bic » juge la personne plutôt que la feuille, et le titre promet une colonne cherchée qu'elle ne cherche jamais.

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DarnellThe American

Bryant se classe en tier S avec le champion, la mère de Darnell veut savoir qui a voté

Elijah Bryant, joueur d'Hapoel Tel Aviv, a publié sur sa chaîne YouTube un classement personnel des vingt clubs d'EuroLeague pour 2026-27, en cinq tiers. Il place son propre club dans le tier S, avec le Panathinaikos Athènes et l'Olympiacos Le Pirée, champion en titre.

  • Funniness 2/5
  • Faithfulness 3/5
  • Voice 2/5
  • Retweet 2/5
  • Good nature 3/5

The editor-in-chief’s comment La mère répète « tu vois » sans chute, « ici comme là-bas » glisse vers la généralité, et le gars de P1 qui se classe lui-même vise Bryant en personne.

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